Teh J@m M@$t@Z

The internet. What a wondrous, joyous tool we have at our disposal. Mostly, its great for starting shit with complete strangers. Message boards all across the World Wide Web make it possible for people to collide and bicker about meaningless, stupid crap. Movie dorks know this. Who doesn’t love logging on to http://www.imdb.com and going to the Mannequin 2: On the Move message board and flaming the fuck out of the crappy film, just to give a slight ribbing to the tasteless whores who actually enjoy the film. Fuck that hippie “live and let live" crap. Its completely anonymous, there’s no chance of these poor hapless people getting retribution. I am all for online bickering. But we all have our limits, and there’s a point where it becomes just plain…dorky.

Head on over to http://www.netcees.com and find the darkest pits of nerd-dom ever encountered. Deeper than a sarlaac pit, one can see the saddest of the sad. A place for souls who have lost direction and can’t even realize how their life is a complete mockery of what they are trying to portray. A place so dismal and lacking of any hope, that hacks without talent come together to put each other down, with shitty slams and crappy rhyme-driven poetry. Netcees is a place where people rap battle on message boards.

I first noticed this phenomenon on IMDB. Log on to any rapper page or some shitty movie starring a rapper and one can actually witness this pointless and often lame activity. If you find yourself as an “online rapper” I want you to imagine someone telling you, “I rap battle people thru online message boards.” Does this person sound cool, edgy or maybe even a little dangerous? Or does it sound like some dipshit mouth breather who lives in his parents basement? Because, isn’t battling suppose to be about some sort of honor? Aren’t you defending a turf? What the hell kind of honor comes from insulting people poorly and anonymously on a message board? Trashing a movie is one thing, but to go out of your way to exchange limp hand slaps with a stranger is another. My biggest gripe is that none of these “Netcees” have any sort of talent and unlike real rap battles, they have time to sit around and write their “disses” rather than having some sort of improvisational skills. But largely, the extra time given to the Netcees does not equal better produced rhymes in comparison to somebody who can actually rap. The shortcomings of your average Netcee isn’t limited to just style and structure of the raps it extends very well into the content. Mostly, these rap battles resort to the infantile; penis jokes, accusing the other Netcee of being gay, your mom jokes, accusing the other Netcee of not being a good rapper and of course, inflating ones own ego. I almost didn’t want to do this, but I think its important to show my audience how crappy these rhymes are.

This first one comes from a guy who calls himself Kwame:

LMAO LMAO LMAO
ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
THATS AN ACTUAL BAR. I WISH YOU WAS A BITER
I CANT BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY THINK A BATTLE IS A CYPHER

How original! How talented! Repetitious laughing at the beginning! He seems to at least recognize how shitty his work is by pointing out the irony of it in the next line. “That’s an actual bar.” Someone tell this cocksucker where the cap locks key is at.

This next little gem comes from a guy who goes by DiaBoliCaL:

Ur a Nobody newb. U can Claim u a vet but any survey we take wont show dat
This whole site Must be Dumb cuz EVERY single person here dont know Jack

When a….ahem… “rapper” drops the word newb in a “battle” you know your dealing with a person who is a true geek at heart. Way to really slay him! Next move is insult his pocket protector and the fact he isn’t using a Mac. DiaBoliCaL has one thing right, everyone on the whole site is pretty dumb.


This last one is the generic gay joke, and is representative of what you usually find on these sites. Here’s one from Illogically Logical:

you from brick city but im the nigga coming with the cold rhymes
this a keystyle off the dome you silly fag bitch
i'ma wrap this up quicker than a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich
how pathetic was ya verse, everyone look at dun

This guy is in a “rap battle” and he’s using words like silly and rapping about peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, even by online standards that’s pretty friggen lame. Of course, this dumb ass just had to squeak in some stupid rhyme about homosexuality, which the person he was battling also did. Most of the insults on this site are on par with “I know you are but what am I!”

No matter how dorky I am…I’ll never be this dorky.