Man, if you’re like me, nothin’ is better than a great action movie! Who just doesn’t love on the edge of your seat chase sequences, explosions sequences, fight sequences, unnecessary CGI, flat acting, a bunch of shit stolen from its predecessor, a stupid/boring plot and a poorly directed movie made by a dick who is so self-important he goes by the name McG?
Terminator: Salvation is the latest boring/shitty action movie, released just in time so jerk-off fanboys can spooge all over their keyboards glorifying this piece of shit all Memorial Day weekend. My hatred for this “movie” is actually my fault. I’m the one who thought that maybe the studio would pick a decent script for this franchise. I’m the one who thought maybe the director would give a shit about the source material. I’m the one who had little to no expectations going in (and the film couldn’t even meet those). I mean, after all, the last time I checked IMDB had a rating of 8.4, actually within the weekend it was released it dropped down to 7.6, i gave it a 4, so I guess its me who has the problem, not the film itself. But hey, just for the sake of fun, lets see if I can’t find some flaws.
Marcus Wright, who is on death row and signs his life over to Cyberdyne systems. It’s never fully explained why he is on death row, other than he killed some people. Rather than trying to flesh out the character, the writers just said, “Fuck it…Good enough”, so we are left with this remorseful convict. Who later shows up in the future after Judgment Day takes place. He spends his entire time defending Kyle Reese, John Connor’s father, from SkyNet. The logistics of Time Travel are never elaborated on in any of the Terminator movies, which is fine, but I think this one needed to go there to explain how in the blue fuck SkyNet knew Kyle Reese was John Connor’s father. I’m sure one of you jack asses is thinking, “Jay! It’s because of the first movie! LOL!” I’m not buying the mere suggestion of the first movie as an explanation. It doesn’t matter that this is never elaborated on, because by the time you’ve stopped caring, you find out Marcus Wright is part robot, and at the end its revealed he is a new model and infiltration model that was meant to bring John Connor and Kyle Reese to SkyNet and they will meet their demise by a CGI Arnold Schwarzenegger, only to find out the robot is more human than robot and he will save them. This movie is more predictable than Titanic.
The last twenty minutes is a good indicator at how the movie was produced. If I was a betting man, and I am, I would suggest they found a bunch of frat boys, and possibly a few seventeen year old males and had them watch Terminator 2: Judgment Day. Being so excited from seeing the best action movie ever, these males took it upon themselves to write their own terminator movie. Lacking any creative talent or writing ability in general, they merely took their favorite parts of T2 and put them into their script. They couldn’t even pick a new song, they stuck with “You Could Be Mine” by Guns N’ Roses. I love G’N’R as much as the next guy, but fuck! Actually, this is part of the movie that makes the most sense. Being the leader of the Resistance is a very taxing position and does not allow one to keep up on current trends. Thus, John Connor is still listening to his jams from when he was a twelve year old.
Oh, and while we are on the subject what the fuck is up with gratuitous use of CGI? How is it possible that a movie almost 20 years old has better special effects than this pile of shit? You know the downfall is that everything has to be CGI. They use to actually use props and models. McG is quoted as say that they took the Sam Winston approach to film making and only use CGI when they had to. Apparently, this includes helicopters and fight sequences. This lackadaisical approach to film making is a trademark of McG as he only makes shit, EX: Charlie’s Angels 1 & 2.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Teh J@m M@$t@Z
The internet. What a wondrous, joyous tool we have at our disposal. Mostly, its great for starting shit with complete strangers. Message boards all across the World Wide Web make it possible for people to collide and bicker about meaningless, stupid crap. Movie dorks know this. Who doesn’t love logging on to http://www.imdb.com and going to the Mannequin 2: On the Move message board and flaming the fuck out of the crappy film, just to give a slight ribbing to the tasteless whores who actually enjoy the film. Fuck that hippie “live and let live" crap. Its completely anonymous, there’s no chance of these poor hapless people getting retribution. I am all for online bickering. But we all have our limits, and there’s a point where it becomes just plain…dorky.
Head on over to http://www.netcees.com and find the darkest pits of nerd-dom ever encountered. Deeper than a sarlaac pit, one can see the saddest of the sad. A place for souls who have lost direction and can’t even realize how their life is a complete mockery of what they are trying to portray. A place so dismal and lacking of any hope, that hacks without talent come together to put each other down, with shitty slams and crappy rhyme-driven poetry. Netcees is a place where people rap battle on message boards.
I first noticed this phenomenon on IMDB. Log on to any rapper page or some shitty movie starring a rapper and one can actually witness this pointless and often lame activity. If you find yourself as an “online rapper” I want you to imagine someone telling you, “I rap battle people thru online message boards.” Does this person sound cool, edgy or maybe even a little dangerous? Or does it sound like some dipshit mouth breather who lives in his parents basement? Because, isn’t battling suppose to be about some sort of honor? Aren’t you defending a turf? What the hell kind of honor comes from insulting people poorly and anonymously on a message board? Trashing a movie is one thing, but to go out of your way to exchange limp hand slaps with a stranger is another. My biggest gripe is that none of these “Netcees” have any sort of talent and unlike real rap battles, they have time to sit around and write their “disses” rather than having some sort of improvisational skills. But largely, the extra time given to the Netcees does not equal better produced rhymes in comparison to somebody who can actually rap. The shortcomings of your average Netcee isn’t limited to just style and structure of the raps it extends very well into the content. Mostly, these rap battles resort to the infantile; penis jokes, accusing the other Netcee of being gay, your mom jokes, accusing the other Netcee of not being a good rapper and of course, inflating ones own ego. I almost didn’t want to do this, but I think its important to show my audience how crappy these rhymes are.
This first one comes from a guy who calls himself Kwame:
LMAO LMAO LMAO
ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
THATS AN ACTUAL BAR. I WISH YOU WAS A BITER
I CANT BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY THINK A BATTLE IS A CYPHER
How original! How talented! Repetitious laughing at the beginning! He seems to at least recognize how shitty his work is by pointing out the irony of it in the next line. “That’s an actual bar.” Someone tell this cocksucker where the cap locks key is at.
This next little gem comes from a guy who goes by DiaBoliCaL:
Ur a Nobody newb. U can Claim u a vet but any survey we take wont show dat
This whole site Must be Dumb cuz EVERY single person here dont know Jack
When a….ahem… “rapper” drops the word newb in a “battle” you know your dealing with a person who is a true geek at heart. Way to really slay him! Next move is insult his pocket protector and the fact he isn’t using a Mac. DiaBoliCaL has one thing right, everyone on the whole site is pretty dumb.
This last one is the generic gay joke, and is representative of what you usually find on these sites. Here’s one from Illogically Logical:
you from brick city but im the nigga coming with the cold rhymes
this a keystyle off the dome you silly fag bitch
i'ma wrap this up quicker than a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich
how pathetic was ya verse, everyone look at dun
This guy is in a “rap battle” and he’s using words like silly and rapping about peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, even by online standards that’s pretty friggen lame. Of course, this dumb ass just had to squeak in some stupid rhyme about homosexuality, which the person he was battling also did. Most of the insults on this site are on par with “I know you are but what am I!”
No matter how dorky I am…I’ll never be this dorky.
Head on over to http://www.netcees.com and find the darkest pits of nerd-dom ever encountered. Deeper than a sarlaac pit, one can see the saddest of the sad. A place for souls who have lost direction and can’t even realize how their life is a complete mockery of what they are trying to portray. A place so dismal and lacking of any hope, that hacks without talent come together to put each other down, with shitty slams and crappy rhyme-driven poetry. Netcees is a place where people rap battle on message boards.
I first noticed this phenomenon on IMDB. Log on to any rapper page or some shitty movie starring a rapper and one can actually witness this pointless and often lame activity. If you find yourself as an “online rapper” I want you to imagine someone telling you, “I rap battle people thru online message boards.” Does this person sound cool, edgy or maybe even a little dangerous? Or does it sound like some dipshit mouth breather who lives in his parents basement? Because, isn’t battling suppose to be about some sort of honor? Aren’t you defending a turf? What the hell kind of honor comes from insulting people poorly and anonymously on a message board? Trashing a movie is one thing, but to go out of your way to exchange limp hand slaps with a stranger is another. My biggest gripe is that none of these “Netcees” have any sort of talent and unlike real rap battles, they have time to sit around and write their “disses” rather than having some sort of improvisational skills. But largely, the extra time given to the Netcees does not equal better produced rhymes in comparison to somebody who can actually rap. The shortcomings of your average Netcee isn’t limited to just style and structure of the raps it extends very well into the content. Mostly, these rap battles resort to the infantile; penis jokes, accusing the other Netcee of being gay, your mom jokes, accusing the other Netcee of not being a good rapper and of course, inflating ones own ego. I almost didn’t want to do this, but I think its important to show my audience how crappy these rhymes are.
This first one comes from a guy who calls himself Kwame:
LMAO LMAO LMAO
ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
THATS AN ACTUAL BAR. I WISH YOU WAS A BITER
I CANT BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY THINK A BATTLE IS A CYPHER
How original! How talented! Repetitious laughing at the beginning! He seems to at least recognize how shitty his work is by pointing out the irony of it in the next line. “That’s an actual bar.” Someone tell this cocksucker where the cap locks key is at.
This next little gem comes from a guy who goes by DiaBoliCaL:
Ur a Nobody newb. U can Claim u a vet but any survey we take wont show dat
This whole site Must be Dumb cuz EVERY single person here dont know Jack
When a….ahem… “rapper” drops the word newb in a “battle” you know your dealing with a person who is a true geek at heart. Way to really slay him! Next move is insult his pocket protector and the fact he isn’t using a Mac. DiaBoliCaL has one thing right, everyone on the whole site is pretty dumb.
This last one is the generic gay joke, and is representative of what you usually find on these sites. Here’s one from Illogically Logical:
you from brick city but im the nigga coming with the cold rhymes
this a keystyle off the dome you silly fag bitch
i'ma wrap this up quicker than a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich
how pathetic was ya verse, everyone look at dun
This guy is in a “rap battle” and he’s using words like silly and rapping about peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, even by online standards that’s pretty friggen lame. Of course, this dumb ass just had to squeak in some stupid rhyme about homosexuality, which the person he was battling also did. Most of the insults on this site are on par with “I know you are but what am I!”
No matter how dorky I am…I’ll never be this dorky.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
The Extraordinarily Ordinarily Boring
Quirky, odd and weird.
These seem to be words that people like to use to define themselves in today’s society. More often that not these are terms that people are using to label themselves, and then go through great lengths to fulfill their “identity”. Sadly, these attempts often create “boring, lame and stupid” personas. The evidence of my accusations can be found on social networking sites in either the “interests” or “fan” sections.
I swear in all that is holy, some people are just straight up fucking boring. BORING! What kind of interest is naps? That’s one of your interests? Naps?! Is your life so void of activity that the only thing that comes to mind when asked of your interests is naps? It’s shit like this, that people think makes them stand out…It doesn’t. Everyone is interested in naps, because everyone likes sleeping. People sometimes want to really stick out and become “fans” of sleeping.
People who have no personality or a really annoying personality that they are trying to conceal are the ones who become fans of such activities. If you look close you can find the annoying ones amongst their other interests. A dead giveaway is they include “LOLing”.
Listen, no one should be a “fan” of sleeping. Nor should they be “fans” of water, air, or food. How can you be a fan of something so elemental?! Isn’t the point of social networking is to tell something about someone about yourself and the best you got is the basic elements that make you a person? Do you like having skin, too? How come “working organs” doesn’t fall under your interests page? Surely, “working organs” and “skin” is just as good as “sleep”. Shit, I prefer skin over sleep any day of the week. But, I don’t tell anyone my love for skin, because everyone already knows that I like having skin! Maybe, I want to share a little bit more with people than the obvious.
People have these lame ass interest and fan sections in order to create an image of “quirky”. It doesn’t. You are just normal. And since EVERYONE just has to share their love of naps, these attempts to stand out are even more half baked. And just how big of a “fan” of sleep can you be? Do you have some sort of sleep memorabilia? Surely, you have the standard bed and pillows, but so does an insomniac. Do you have t-shirts about sleep? Is your favorite letter Z? When does one jump from just taking part in elemental life and become a fan?
The answer: Never.
These seem to be words that people like to use to define themselves in today’s society. More often that not these are terms that people are using to label themselves, and then go through great lengths to fulfill their “identity”. Sadly, these attempts often create “boring, lame and stupid” personas. The evidence of my accusations can be found on social networking sites in either the “interests” or “fan” sections.
I swear in all that is holy, some people are just straight up fucking boring. BORING! What kind of interest is naps? That’s one of your interests? Naps?! Is your life so void of activity that the only thing that comes to mind when asked of your interests is naps? It’s shit like this, that people think makes them stand out…It doesn’t. Everyone is interested in naps, because everyone likes sleeping. People sometimes want to really stick out and become “fans” of sleeping.
People who have no personality or a really annoying personality that they are trying to conceal are the ones who become fans of such activities. If you look close you can find the annoying ones amongst their other interests. A dead giveaway is they include “LOLing”.
Listen, no one should be a “fan” of sleeping. Nor should they be “fans” of water, air, or food. How can you be a fan of something so elemental?! Isn’t the point of social networking is to tell something about someone about yourself and the best you got is the basic elements that make you a person? Do you like having skin, too? How come “working organs” doesn’t fall under your interests page? Surely, “working organs” and “skin” is just as good as “sleep”. Shit, I prefer skin over sleep any day of the week. But, I don’t tell anyone my love for skin, because everyone already knows that I like having skin! Maybe, I want to share a little bit more with people than the obvious.
People have these lame ass interest and fan sections in order to create an image of “quirky”. It doesn’t. You are just normal. And since EVERYONE just has to share their love of naps, these attempts to stand out are even more half baked. And just how big of a “fan” of sleep can you be? Do you have some sort of sleep memorabilia? Surely, you have the standard bed and pillows, but so does an insomniac. Do you have t-shirts about sleep? Is your favorite letter Z? When does one jump from just taking part in elemental life and become a fan?
The answer: Never.
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