Minneapolis: A City Lost.

Last week, I found myself in Minneapolis. A part of the country that I usually try to avoid, I found myself there for a concert. Now, if you know me, and chances are you probably do, you know that I hate Minneapolis. I could never figure it out, I placed the blame on heartbreak that young phillies have caused me, who subsequently came from Minneapolis or resided their after we broke up. Having healed from these wounds, I saw it as a great time to revisit the area, and give it a second chance. I am proud to announce that I still hate Minneapolis!

A wasteland of vapid, fake and boring people, lumbering through a city who has no direction and no identity. I knew it! I fuckin’ knew that my hatred couldn’t be so superficial that it could be rested on the shoulders of a couple of broads, who just happened to be a waste of my time. I just couldn’t pinpoint it. Then two events happened.

First, I found myself in a charming little area of Minneapolis called Uptown. A nice little area filled with stores frequented by people who like boring, drab and ugly clothes who want to be on the cutting edge, this place is probably the arrogant, greasy-brown asshole of the state. I always here people talk about their trips to the cities, and of course, they always mention Uptown. I guess this is where small town folks east of the river go to learn how to be “hip”. Well, there are a shit ton of hipsters there, but none of them are actually “hip”. Imagine if you will, you find yourself in a store with shitty, over priced clothes. Then you show up, and you’re wearing old blue jeans and a Guns N’ Roses T-shirt. Now, you got all these poorly dressed fuckers looking at you, who are obviously thinking one of two things:

1. “What the hell is he doing here?” (Trust me the feeling was mutual)

or

2. What aisle did he get that shirt in? Are those back in style again?

The observations I made in Uptown were very important, as I made my second discovery.

Before I left, I got together with some fine locals for lunch. In a conversation about the cities, two nice Asian gentlemen pointed out to me, the big difference between St. Paul and Minneapolis is that St. Paul has sort of its own history and has a bit more older scene. More culture if you will. Whereas Minneapolis is a place that is always trying to emulate one of two cities; either Seattle or New York City. So, you have a copy of a city, far removed from its source material, and then you have these kids come from small towns and try to bring THAT back to their small towns. So now, not only do you have a copy out their, but you have a copy of a copy. Not only is it a copycat, but it’s a boring copy. And that within is the problem. Minneapolis is a cancer within the Midwest. A gross, vile being destroying anything authentic with in our towns. It’s obviously all fake, and I don’t rally for fake shit. FAKE SHIT is what they should call Minneapolis. Fuck that place. Long live St. Paul, they got it down.

By the way, just because one follows all the latest trends and has the newest music, that doesn’t make them hip. They are definitely hipsters, but they ain’t hip. Hip is more about of state of mind, if you get what I’m saying when I label someone hip, then you are more than likely hip yourself, and if you don’t well you’re lost and belong in the hell hole known as Minneapolis.

The Extraordinarily Ordinarily Boring

Quirky, odd and weird.

These seem to be words that people like to use to define themselves in today’s society. More often that not these are terms that people are using to label themselves, and then go through great lengths to fulfill their “identity”. Sadly, these attempts often create “boring, lame and stupid” personas. The evidence of my accusations can be found on social networking sites in either the “interests” or “fan” sections.

I swear in all that is holy, some people are just straight up fucking boring. BORING! What kind of interest is naps? That’s one of your interests? Naps?! Is your life so void of activity that the only thing that comes to mind when asked of your interests is naps? It’s shit like this, that people think makes them stand out…It doesn’t. Everyone is interested in naps, because everyone likes sleeping. People sometimes want to really stick out and become “fans” of sleeping.

People who have no personality or a really annoying personality that they are trying to conceal are the ones who become fans of such activities. If you look close you can find the annoying ones amongst their other interests. A dead giveaway is they include “LOLing”.

Listen, no one should be a “fan” of sleeping. Nor should they be “fans” of water, air, or food. How can you be a fan of something so elemental?! Isn’t the point of social networking is to tell something about someone about yourself and the best you got is the basic elements that make you a person? Do you like having skin, too? How come “working organs” doesn’t fall under your interests page? Surely, “working organs” and “skin” is just as good as “sleep”. Shit, I prefer skin over sleep any day of the week. But, I don’t tell anyone my love for skin, because everyone already knows that I like having skin! Maybe, I want to share a little bit more with people than the obvious.

People have these lame ass interest and fan sections in order to create an image of “quirky”. It doesn’t. You are just normal. And since EVERYONE just has to share their love of naps, these attempts to stand out are even more half baked. And just how big of a “fan” of sleep can you be? Do you have some sort of sleep memorabilia? Surely, you have the standard bed and pillows, but so does an insomniac. Do you have t-shirts about sleep? Is your favorite letter Z? When does one jump from just taking part in elemental life and become a fan?

The answer: Never.